Compliance Vs Surrender

There are five steps to the inner path of enlightenment according to Gurudeva (yogi). These steps are really regions of consciousness each being more refined then the last. As awareness becomes more acute and detached, as it comes under conscious control of the spiritual will, we are able to penetrate the layers of consciousness in succession; until the final goal is reached. Enlightenment. The first of the five steps is attention. It is the ability to hold awareness steady, centralized in the area we choose. I feel like I have been successful at this step and from this point I naturally evolved into the next step, which is concentration. Like a hummingbird over a flower, I begin to concentrate on things, study them, and muse over them. Through the practice of concentration, mediation has very slowly been becoming available. In meditation the goal is to see “the truth” as it is. New knowledge can flood through you when you listen from the inside. From practicing meditation, we next enter contemplation. We plunge deep within, beyond our external forms into the energy of the life within the cells of your SELF. We are absorbed with joy. We become that energy that pervades every atom of existence. Ultimately, the promise of Gurudeva is that contemplation leads to self-realization; to the very deepest part of your soul; where you go within one atom of that pure energy and into the Universal source of all creation. There is nothing you can say about this to describe it because there are no areas of the mind in which the self and truth exist simultaneously, and yet, if it weren’t for the Self the mind would not exist. It is paradoxical and it is the unspeakable truth known only by the knower. Where SELF is, Truth is not. Where TRUTH is, self is not. Truth is so simple, so absolute, so undeviating and utterly uncompromising. It admits no complexity, no turning and no qualification. You cannot possess truth without being rid of Self. Deluded worshippers of their EGO vainly imagine that they can gratify every worldly desire and at the same time possess truth. But the lovers of truth have surrendered to the worship of truth at the expense of self/identity. There is no other way to Truth but to guard against worldliness and self-seeking. I must give up my lusts, my prejudices, and my opinions. Truth can be perceived only when the last vice of self has disappeared. There are no sorrow or disappointments in truth. There is no opposition, and no argument with Truth. How does it go? Once again I begin the search for my Truth with renewed determination. I will get this.

Next Obstacle:

So, much of my life has been about compliance which happens to have the appearance of surrender to outsiders, with a stubborn resistance on the inside. It means agreeing, and going along with the program, but in no way implies enthusiastic, wholehearted assent and approval. There is a present willingness not to argue or resist, but I cooperate grudgingly. I am not entirely happy or comfortable in this “agreement” with compliance. I feel like a liar, not a seeker of truth. Compliance is a word, which portrays mixed feelings, and divided sentiments. There is a willingness to go along but at the same time there remains inner reservations, which make that willingness somewhat thin and wavering. I have found that it doesn’t take much to overthrow this kind of willingness. Not to drink, not to act out, not to abuse myself. The existence of my compliant attitude will probably appear as neither strange nor new to others… I have always been this way. One begins to see how it operates in my unconscious, and disarms me of my ability to authentically grow.

How much of my life had been lived appearing to follow the rules on the outside but resenting their constraints on the inside? Does this explain my paranoia of anything that seemed to threaten my freedom or obligate me? If I have no obligations, I feel I can finally escape the double entendre I lead everyday. I can breathe deeply in these contrived moments. In this state of compliance, I always have always had an inner nagging that something is not true. Not right. I am appearing/appeasing one way on the outside but feel like I am sacrificing what I really want on the inside. I struggle quietly with a smile on my face. I am so accustomed to this struggle, that I don’t know how to act when the struggle disappears. I am noticing a fear to let go of my struggle. One more layer of my identity that I didn’t know existed.

So now I stand here and ask you. Where does the balance lie between surrender and accountability? I want to surrender to NOW, but what about my own decisions and will? How do I know when to surrender and when to assert myself? What is the difference between surrender and resignation?

How do I gain humility without hitting rock bottom? Is it possible to have humility and confidence simultaneously?

I am now recognizing a marked difference in my life through much introspection and by the detachment from my thoughts that habitually run through my head. Noticing a marked difference between my thoughts and my consciousness was a big epiphany many years ago. Now watching all my thoughts, I realize that the disciplines that resonate are the ones that have evolved past compliance, into acceptance (rather then resignation). This is where knowledge (outside source) crystallizes into wisdom (inside truth.) It is like when I finally quit drugs, or cigarettes, or coffee or alcohol, or overeating, or undereating, trying to get attention from men……I quit again and again doing research through relapse, until my behavior changed from compliance to acceptance of truth. Nothing outside of me has the ability to change how I feel inside. Shoot. How can I apply this in the other areas of my life? How can I change my compliance into acceptance? Where has it already changed and where does it still need to change? The truths that I need to accept. Creation is love. Love is inside and outside of me. I am nothing and everything at once. Hurting myself will never bring a positive result. Alcohol, drugs, food, abuse will never bring me contentment or the feelings of satisfaction I am craving when I turn to them in desperation. Looking for acceptance outside myself will never bring self-acceptance that I need to cultivate inside. Living in the past I realize, is tinted with infantile perceptions, pre-growth, so the constant analysis of past events (such as when I was drinking or using) is pointless. I have grown out of those circumstances. In essence, past circumstances were seen through a less developed eye. I have grown so much in sobriety, it is actually counter productive to regress into past perceptions and views. Furthermore, the future has not occurred so why limit myself. How many times have I imagined the future, from where I am now? It is no wonder I find the future to be better than I could not have ever imagined. Why limit myself? But then again, every action, every accomplishment, and every dream began with my imagination. When I trust that I will continue to grow and change, I realize I cannot imagine my future without imposing my emotional limitations and boundaries that I wrestle with now. So confusing; like a mind f%@# if you know what I mean. I remind myself again and again that I must live now in this moment by surrendering. Meditate to connect, not to be spiritually compliant. I am so sick of compliance, and it pops up in all areas of my life.

I must learn to create my moments to release my energy, my unique essence, not to be socially compliant or acceptable.

In compliance, I was attempting to create a façade of perfection. I had been taught that if I could be perfect on the outside, it would mean I could find the acceptance I craved on the inside. That didn’t work. I feel rebellion and frustration in these moments that I still am not good enough for myself. I give up! I say. But compliance was never the issue; I mastered that in my childhood training and my adult self-imposed standards of perfection. The problem is that I had created a self-imposed standard, to appear one way on the outside, then constantly struggling to make my insides match up. AHHAAA! I had it backwards all this time. What I needed to do was acknowledge and nod to my insides, and then match that up with my outsides. I didn’t know truth was the embodiment of single mindedness.

Truth does not change. To discover my truths with more speed I must abandon compliance, which impedes sincere surrender.