“Here comes The Dog, no longer on a Harley Hog” is how Duane “Dog” Chapman opens up this long-awaited episode in which he makes an honest woman of Beth Smith, his long term common law wife and fellow bounty hunter. If Beth were ever to smother dog (and she certainly does have the proper natural equipment to do that), it would have occurred in this episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Airing on Tuesday night, August 8, 2006 was the episode many have been waiting for — To Love and to Cherish Dog and Beth’s Wedding.
We see the Chapmans in the week leading up to their nuptials, and Beth is obsessed (like most women) with buying new shoes, fitting her wedding dress, and getting her hair done. Basically, her head is in the veil and not in the Bounty. It couldn’t be more removed from the thoughts of Dog, which focus around catching a slew of fugitives, including a former Navy seaman named Brice. Brice is being hunted down for jumping bond after a criminal history that includes theft and drugs. Dog amplifies the risk of this bounty by saying that Brice is a “trained killer” since he was in the Service at one point.
Of course, Beth is ticked off that her intended is focused on grimy criminals instead of diamonds and roses, but this is Dog and we know he always pulls through in the end. If he doesn’t, rest assure Beth will make his life miserable for a long time. The woman is ruthless, and Dog is whipped. In the words of his son Leland, “Looks like Dad’s going to fold like a tent again” when Beth gives Dog a hard time. Decked out in leather, covered in prison-issue tats and always packing mace, Dog is Beth’s to kick around. This episode is no different.
Beth has picked out a classic tux for Dog, who will have no part of that, thank you very much. Dog insists he is wearing a bulletproof vest with no shirt, jeans and a can of mace. He tells Beth that he has been in prison before and there is no way he is going to trap himself in the prison of a suit.
“I’d rather just get married as the Dog,” he says. If not, he said he’s not looking forward to the funeral that is his wedding. Poor Beth, marrying the Dog in his stinky old vest and a can of pepper spray. So, how does she cope She goes to the local stripper store – to buy her wedding shoes. After trying on several pairs of plastic do-me-pumps, she settles on a pair while stating every brides golden rule “When you go shopping where the strippers and ho’s go, you’ll always score.”
Not to be outdone by Hollywood starlets, Beth flies to Hollywood for a custom made dress. If you have ever seen Beth, you’ll know what stands in the way between Beth and a standard fit dress. Here’s a hint there are two of them. It is a beautiful dress actually, and should go well with her plastic stripper shoes.
The first bounty goes pretty well, and they catch Brice with a window puncher in his pants. The fugitive tells Dog he had just found it in someone’s apartment. We all know Dog ain’t no Harvard grad, but when it comes to Criminals 101 you can’t get anything past him. Dog can’t resist pouring a bucket of salt into his wounds, telling Brice he’ll be called Bo-Peep in prison. But then Dog’s heart of gold takes over and he gives the fugitive a cigarette and lights it for him. This is a rite of passage for anyone who gets apprehended by the DOG; you’ll always get a cancer stick as a reward. Thanks Dog!
The nuptials are a day or two away and Dog apprehends another fine citizen who claims to just have some “jewelry” in his pocket. Turns out it’s an ice pipe. I guess he wears it in his mouth. Iceheads, crackheads, basketball size breasts and stripper heels, sigh. Brings back memories of my own nuptials. Honestly, who other than the Chapmans host a gala affair in the midst of such an odd assembly of characters Of course, it all makes for good TV and for the more sentimental of us, it all does the heart good.
While Dog is out hunting down these characters he misses his own wedding rehearsal. But it’s all good; he makes it for the party afterwards, which looks like a blast. Full Hawaiian garb, fragrant orchid-laden leis, tables of food and Dog in his conch-shell braids. Beth is looking forward to her wedding day and forgives Dog for missing the rehearsal. She puts it into perspective, saying “Today Big Daddy got his man, and tomorrow I get mine.”
After such a happy night, the morning of the wedding brings somber news for the Chapman family. Dog’s daughter, who lives in Alaska, was killed in a car accident; his daughter died on his wedding day. The family’s tremendous faith and love for one another enables them to go through with the wedding, though he cries throughout the day for his daughter. Dog says, “There is a time to mourn and it’s not right now. If God wanted to stop the wedding he wouldn’t have killed my baby. That’s not God.” In true Dog style, he follows this tender moment with one of his cheesy (but heartfelt) expressions, “This blood don’t run.”
The sun comes out, a legless woman arrives in a wheelchair and Dog and Beth say “I Do”. Finally – after all these years we have Mr. and Mrs. Dog Chapman, joined by handcuffs and hair bleach forever.