Communicating graciously and compassionately in difficult situations can be challenging. We are human and our natural tendency is to protect ourselves, or as the old adage goes, "fight or flight." Our "thinking" side of the brain is also engaged to evaluate and judge the emotion we are experiencing and determine a course of action that is not always with the intent of relieving suffering. As we move to a more compassionate self, we must be aware of what we are thinking and feeling, and if subsequent action will support happiness and harmony with the individual. To respond compassionately is a choice. What is happening in the mental process that may be limiting our ability to choose compassion?
1) Diagnosing or labeling – one of our primary defense mechanisms in conflict situations is identifying the symptoms of conflict through negatively labeling the other person's actions. We may hear ourselves say "He / she's crazy!" "That nut – he's so mean! He cut me off in traffic!" Rarely do people say "Hmm, this is a human with a different opinion and I'd like to take the time to discover, collect and come to a mutual solution" or "I do not really know why he's driving fast, but I wish the person safety. " On the flip side, what do we tell ourselves when we cut someone off in traffic? Perhaps we justify our actions, ie "I'm late for work" or "my kids are waiting in the rain for me!" Or do we internally apologize for our actions to the other drivers?
2) Placing value or conditions for receiving compassion – We are human and sometimes we need to actually see the suffering to validate extending ourselves through thoughts and actions to deliver compassion. It is possible that if we do not see suffering through verbal or non-verbal expressions of pain and suffering, we may stifle empathy and then compassion. We may jump to the conclusion the person has no suffering, no pain and then spiral down into a conflict chasm the person is that not human and not worthy of our compassion.
3) Lack of empathy – It is possible to forget the human condition we all participate in on a daily basis. It's possible that each of us is "wired" differently in experiencing empathy. Our initial fight or flight response can put our first reaction as fear instead of placing or imagining ourselves in the other person's shoes or perspective to gain a broader perspective of the situation. It's hard to see the picture when you are in the landscape. Take yourself out of the landscape and be the photographer or painter for a moment.
4) Motive for compassion – Individuals have varying experiences with empathy and compassion and then possibly have varying motives for happiness. Are you compassionate because everyone else is, there is the possibility of an intrinsic or extrinsic gain, or, among other motives, is it the "right thing to do?"
5) Needs not being met – the fight or flight response can relate to some element of our individual needs not being met. As described by Maslow, these could be physical needs, psychosocial needs, safety needs, self-actualization or sometimes even the need for peak experiences, those moments of complete love, joy, happiness and understanding.
Developing self-awareness by understanding potential barriers to applying compassion to conflict situations is the first step in building your computing toolkit and skills for interpersonal communication.