Gas Lighting: An Insidious Form of Psychological and Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

The term ‘gas lighting’ was coined from the 1940’s film, ‘The Gas Light’ starring Ingrid Bergman. “It was about a story of a husband who attempts to undermine his wife by framing her to appear insane by manipulating subtle details of her environment and insisting that she is mistaken or remembering incorrect details when she points out these changes. The title comes from the dimming effects of the home’s gas lights which happens when the husband is using the gas lights in the attic while hunting for hidden treasure. The wife accurately notices the dimming lights, but her husband insists she is imagining things and insinuating her insanity.”1

From the 1970’s onwards, the term gas lighting is colloquially used by many mental health specialists to refer to psychological and emotional abuse through manipulation. It makes victims second guess themselves and distorts their sense of reality. The purpose is also to undermine a victim’s confidence and not trust their own senses. Follow the train of thought Kimberly went through in the next example to clarify how gas lighting looks like in a dysfunctional relationship.

Kimberly was in a relationship with David for over two years. Things started off so wonderfully, and she felt she had met her soul mate. Things changed for her though over time, especially the last six months. Kimberly felt overwhelmed and tired of feeling stressed out from the intensity of the relationship. Were all relationships like this? David would constantly berate her whenever she wanted to talk about the way she felt in the relationship with him. She no longer felt valued. She would hear comments such as, “You’re over reacting. What’s the big deal? You’re too sensitive! I was just kidding, why can’t you take a joke? Our friends’ wives or girlfriends are not as sensitive as you.” Kimberly began to second guess herself whenever she would hear these types of comments. Maybe she was being overly sensitive; would David really react so strongly if she wasn’t? His comments seemed so insensitive and hurtful though. Hmm, she wondered, something didn’t feel right, but then why would he react like that? She immediately apologized to David for her insensitivity towards him and dropped the matter.

The second thing that gas lighting does in a relationship is that it takes the attention off the perpetrator. Instead of owning up to or hearing the other person’s side of the story, they are defensive and will retaliate. Sometimes the very issue you are trying to raise, they will turn around and accuse you of. Unfortunately, this type of psychological abuse happens too often in dysfunctional relationships. There might be additional abuse occurring as well. It also renders a person helpless who may struggle with codependency, even more. Gas lighting makes the victim more dependent upon the perpetrator through ignorance of what is really occurring in their situation. It makes it difficult to set boundaries or leave an abusive relationship.

People with personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Sociopaths may often use gas lighting in their relationships. Be aware of addictions as well in relationships where gas lighting is occurring. Until victims of gas lighting understand what it looks like and what it does to the victim, they often continue to remain in a toxic relationship. Often, these victims struggle with codependency in how they relate to partners who use gas lighting. Knowledge is power in this type of situation.

1. Definition found on Wikipedia.