Your girlfriend broke up with you, you’re heartbroken, and you want your ex back. So far though, there’s been no contact at all.
Is there a set rule for how long you should wait before calling an ex girlfriend? And when you DO call her, what exactly should you say?
Contact after the break up is one of the most confusing things to figure out. It’s a mystery that always leaves you wondering if you’re doing the right thing, no matter how you choose to handle it.
On one hand, you want to talk to her. Hell, you miss her like crazy. You need to hear her voice again. And besides, you don’t want her to think you’ve forgotten about her, and possibly move on with some other guy, do you?
But on the flip side of the coin, she hasn’t called you. Calling her might seem needy, or desperate. And you wouldn’t want your ex to think those things of you… especially not if you’re trying to somehow win her back.
So is there a middle ground? A time when it’s okay to call or contact your ex girlfriend without looking like a fool? Some kind of conversation that actually makes sense, rather than stumbling and tripping over your own lame words?
Even better: can you get HER to call YOU?
What it Means When She Won’t Contact You
First, understand that your girlfriend not calling you doesn’t mean she’s not thinking about you. The fact is, she’s probably thinking about you quite a bit.
What your ex is doing right now, is ignoring you for a very simple reason: detachment. She’s decided she wants you gone, and the best way to keep from caving in and taking you back is not to see or hear from you at all.
This is because during your relationship the two of you formed some very powerful emotional bonds. Love, sex, intimacy; all the fun you had, the places you saw together, the family and friends and holidays you shared – these things forged thick connections that can’t be easily severed. And some of these connections remain in place, even after she dumps you, for a very long time.
Getting your ex back requires simple reversal techniques that are geared toward making her face those emotional bonds. You want her to SEE what she’s losing, rather than turn her back on those feelings and pretend they’re buried.
So what does she do? She loses your phone number. She unfriends you on Facebook, detaches from Instagram, stops talking to your friends and tells her own friends not to provide any information about her. In this way, she can move on
Should You Call Your Ex After the Break Up?
No, not immediately.
There are several steps to getting back with someone. The first step is always the no contact rule. It’s exactly what it sounds like; you need to promise yourself that you won’t call (or text, or email, etc… ) your ex girlfriend no matter how badly you want to. This is hugely important.
What this does is create distance between you and your lover. You might think that’s bad, but in the beginning it’s actually very good. It’s human nature to want to be right; your ex wants to think she made the right moves when she ended your romance. So to verify this? She’ll often look back at you to see how you’re doing.
If you’re doing bad? That’s a good sign to her. It shows that she’s better off without you because you’re worse off without her. Sounds messed up, right? But again, it’s human nature.
Now if you’re doing good? That’s not what she wants to see. It actually reverses her way of thinking and makes her question whether or not she should’ve let you go. A guy who’s doing well without her is a guy who’s got his stuff together. You’re suddenly valuable again, simply because you didn’t care (or appeared not to have cared) when she tossed you away.
Which brings me to the next big rule of human nature: you always want the things you cannot have.
When To Call Your Ex
If you’ve stopped ALL contact, and your ex hasn’t called you, there’s an acceptable time during which you can reach out to her. While this varies from case to case, as a general rule you’ll want to wait about four to six weeks.
“BUT THAT’S FOREVER!!!”
Yup. It is. And it’s going to feel like double-forever to you, because your heart is breaking and you desperately want to hear from her again.
But you know what? Waiting this long is going to do something very important: make her curious. It’s going to make her wonder where you mysteriously went, and how come you seemingly haven’t looked back.
This makes her ripe to hear from you.
Understand something: calling your ex too early, within the first few days of the breakup, is a BIG red flag. Not only doesn’t she want to hear from you, but even worse, your ex girlfriend hasn’t even begun to start missing you yet.
Wait four to six weeks, and not only is she going to listen to anything you say, but your ex will already be at the point of nostalgia. She’ll be missing you. Hearing your voice will take her back to the relationship, and probably to the GOOD part of the relationship when everything was all unicorns and rainbows.
You’ve heard the phrase ‘Time heals all wounds’. It does, but it also blurs out the bad and accentuates the good. As time goes on, your girlfriend will forget all the fighting and nastiness and other bullshit that broke you up. When she thinks back to what your relationship was all about, those things will have faded.
What’s left? The GOOD STUFF. All the happy times and cool things and great sex. Her heart will tug on those strong emotional bonds I talked about earlier, playing them back in her memory.
Okay, I Called Her. Now What Do I Say?
Before you even think of calling your ex girlfriend, you’re gonna basically need a script. You’ll want to know exactly what to say, and more importantly, what subjects to avoid at all costs.
If you think you can just pick up the phone and go totally solo, you’re going to crash and burn. In other words, you MUST know what you’re doing. A step by step plan always beats a ‘fly by the seat of your pants’ type of approach.