How NOT to Use a Penis Pump

Penis pumps. Just type the words into any search engine and you will be swamped with results. There are plenty of how tos, reviews and even a double handful of self help videos all telling, or showing, you the knowledge seeker, exactly how to use vacuum pumping of the genitals to gain the desired enlargement in both length and thickness.But how often do you see a how NOT to article? Is there a demand for this type of knowledge? Take it from this poor, self abused unfortunate. Had I known the pitfalls before I made my purchase, I would have saved myself a little money and a LOT of embarrassment. Tho to be fair to the manufacturer of the model I bought, it was indeed very well made.

The day started out much the same as any day for two mature, bored and sexually active adults in a relationship. With a trip to a nearby cities rather large and well stocked adult novelty and porn emporium! Exciting to say the least. We wandered the aisles, excitement building as we unearthed more and more treasures. It wasn’t long before I found myself standing before a veritable WALL of penis pumps. I really mean a wall. There were so many different styles and makes that the store had set aside an entire wall for their impressive collection. I worked my way through the smorgasbord of penile pumping devices, finally selecting and paying for my choice. A sleek and simple product made of high tensile space age plastic. Please remember the words space age plastic as they will come to mind later. My partner was unaware as she was in vibrator heaven 2 aisles over so I figured I would surprise her later with a bigger, larger, new improved me.

We went to lunch then returned home. I set aside my purchase while I went about the rest of my day doing whatever needed doing until I found myself with some idle time on my hands. What a perfect chance to improve myself! I quickly unpacked the pump and took a moment to admire the simplistic beauty of the device. A long, clear cylindrical tube with a rubber seal at the large open end and a clear tube running from a nipple at the far end to a hand held pump that closely resembled a bicycle pump in reverse. Placed about midway on the cylinder wall was a small hole. Included with this miracle of modern pumping technology was a rather small and silly looking pamphlet claiming to be the instructions. Instructions? For something as easy as this? We don’t need no stinking instructions! I tossed the instructions carelessly over my shoulder as I disrobed and prepared to pump.

Now, let me backtrack a second here. I make a living working construction trades. Some years ago I was unfortunate enough to have an accident that cost me the thumb and index finger on my left hand (Still a carpenter so go figure). I tell you this now so you may understand what came next and why this doesn’t really apply to most NORMAL people. By normal I mean those in possession of a brain. I slipped the end of the device over my organ then started pumping. Air just whistled through the cylinder. Aha! The hole! Hmm, what to do? Houston, we have a problem. Being as I am digitally challenged I quickly realized I did NOT possess the fingers needed to block the air hole thus enabling the device to pump correctly. Also, I had noticed the rubber seal did not seal as well as it should. That must be what the small tube of lube was for! I generously lubricated the seal, slipped the device back over my organ and slapped a piece of scotch tape over the hole. Now we were in business! I took a few practice pumps and was happy to see and feel an immediate response. So I pumped about 20 times more. WOW did I get big! It looked like it had been slammed in a door, so angry and swollen. Impressive to say the least!

Just as I was starting to enjoy the new me it suddenly dawned on me that I MAY have over pumped just a tad. It started to turn dark purple. It started to HURT. It started to THROB. I quickly reached for the end tab of the scotch tape I had applied and snatched it from the cylinder. To my unspeakable horror I was left looking at a piece of tape dangling from my fingers with a perfect hole in it! The hole was still sealed and now was impossible to get the edge of it started so I could get it off. I calmly told myself no big deal. This is when I realized I MAY have over lubed as my right testicle was SUCKED up into the tube with my already squished organ. Calm just went out the window. It was at about this time that I discovered just how tough space age plastic really is as I began beating the cylinder against the corner of the dresser in an attempt to shatter it. I had a better chance at winning the lottery. The noise from all this must have alerted my diminutive wife, so she came to see what all the noise and screaming was about. She entered the bedroom to find me naked, on all fours, scrambling around frantically searching for the instruction pamphlet while dangling a penis pump that contained what NOW looked like a bloated kielbasa gone bad. She sat on the edge of the bed and LAUGHED until she cried. I was NOT amused. When I finally gritted out a smart remark about how she COULD make herself useful, she responded by walking over to my pants, getting my pocketknife from the pocket and using it to puncture the tape covering the safety hole. She was still laughing as I threw the possessed device across the room and sat there nursing my very swollen genitals.

If you have ever seen a car tire about to blow, when it gets that little lump in the sidewall, this is how my penis looked. Luckily for me the damage wasn’t permanent and the blowout lump was gone 2 days later. Still, this was enough to put me off penis pumps permanently. When I called the store and asked if there had been any documented problems with pumps, I was told not with MY model. It appears they make even MORE powerful pumps than the one I chose. I guess lady luck was just with me that day, otherwise my butt might have been sucking up the bedspread.

For all you would be pumpers out there, read those instructions! Also, whatever you do, Do NOT pump alone!