Breakups are hard, especially if you’ve been dumped. But one thing you might not realize is that your ex boyfriend or girlfriend is going through almost exactly the same types of feelings you currently are. Emotional bonds don’t dissolve overnight, and feelings take time to fade away. By using this to your advantage, you can get your ex to want you back even when circumstances might seem borderline hopeless.
There are four main phases a person goes through when a relationship ends. You already know how you feel, so it’s time to examine how your ex feels in order to determine your best approach toward getting them back.
Stage 1 – Detachment
Remember when your ex sat you down to break up with you? Although this may have been a shock to you, your ex spent a lot of time making this decision days or even weeks beforehand. He or she knew what was coming, and unlike you, they were already prepared for it. In short, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend began detaching themselves from your relationship way before you had the chance to do the same.
This gave your ex an emotional advantage while dealing with you during the breakup. Your ex knew what you would say, how you would react, and what types of protest you might offer to keep them around. Your boyfriend or girlfriend was prepared to counter your every move or plea, and they had an escape route planned. They’d detached long before you did, and this immediately put you in a position of weakness.
So what can you do during the detachment stage that will help get your ex back? Essentially, you need to emotionally distance yourself as well. The quicker you can accept the breakup rather than fight it – the faster you can agree with your ex’s decision to end things – the easier it will be to move onto the next stage of reconciliation. Many people get stuck here because they refuse to detach, and they think that by clinging onto the relationship as tightly as possible they can keep their boyfriend or girlfriend from breaking up with them. Not so.
Stage 2 – Avoidance
Is your ex boyfriend or girlfriend ignoring you? Don’t take this as a sign of disinterest. It’s very common for an ex to go out of their way to steer clear of seeing or hearing from you, especially if they were the one who initiated the breakup. Your ex probably feels weird or awkward around you right now, and doesn’t know how to handle contact of any kind.
The avoidance stage is definitely not the time to press onward. You can’t force your ex to see you, and you can’t guilt them into wanting to talk to you again. No matter how badly you might want to see your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend right now, you need such a reunion to happen under your own terms. Setting up such an encounter before your ex is ready to see you will only lead to further avoidance and resentment.
Stage 3 – Longing
After being apart for a while, your ex will start thinking about you again. This is a natural reaction to being away from someone they shared such an intimate connection with, and both you and your ex will feel a certain desire to be together again – even temporarily.
Getting your ex to want you back is all about making them miss you. You need your ex to think about your past relationship, and ideally this needs to happen of their own accord. As time goes on your ex will tend to remember the good times you shared together, and the cool things you did as a couple. These are the memories that will put your relationship back together, and eventually get your ex to see a future with you again.
The worst thing you can do during this stage of the breakup is try to “be there” for your ex. Sticking around and being friendly with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend is only going to reduce their desire to see you. It’s always better to stay far removed from your ex’s current situation, as this will create a void in their life where you used to be. If you’re always in plain sight, your ex never gets the chance to miss you.
Stage 4 – Regret
Left unchecked, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend will eventually reach a point where they regret being without you. These might be temporary feelings, brought about on a lonely night or a moment of weakness… or they might be a lot more substantial. There are certain signs and signals given off when your ex is reconsidering a relationship with you again, and for the best chance at reconciliation you need to know what these are.
Regret might be fleeting, but it’s something you can help build on. By giving your ex a reason to want to be with you again, you can enhance their need and desire to see you. There are certain adjustments you can make that will get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend interested in you again, even if it seems they’ve already moved on. Learning these adjustments can mean the difference between getting your ex back or losing them for good.