Physical need includes; security, safety, warmth, future happiness, financial, career, and even a spiritual sense of place in the world. You can see that physical attachment to someone is very complex because it captures so much of our unconscious communication with ourselves and with others.
Our Physical attractions encapsulate our need for mothering, fathering, care, kindness, acceptance, and feeling wanted in the world. So, we tie many subconscious agendas to the people we are attracted to. Now the fact that these ties are subconscious is the real trauma because it means we don’t know they exist. We can only presume they exist. For example: a child who is “diminished and put down” might grow into an adult who seeks sexual activity with many partners. They transfer their inbuilt and well hidden need for love (from their childhood journey) into the acceptance they get from an intimate engagement with a lover.
The Buddha said something like “the best way to clean mud from water is to leave it alone. The mud eventually settles to the bottom of the bucket” He even grew lotus flowers out of that mud. So, trying to purify ourselves by eliminating these subconscious attachments might be akin to stirring up the mud all the time. Goodness knows, there’s billions of these tiny threads of association lodged in our brain.
Osho claimed that the best way to eliminate those physical attachments is to take anything we seem to be attached to, and overdo it. His teachings were that if we are getting subconscious needs met through sex, then this is really distracting because we get highly attached to anyone we are sexually attracted to. So, his remedy for this corruption to our real capacity to love was to over do it.
He taught his students who had sexual issues of attachment to their lover, to go have as much sex with as many people in as many circumstances (always safe sex) as possible. The idea was that eventually the benefit of the sex would wear off. The same thing is taught in chocolate factories where employees “eat the profit” – in some factories they actually encourage employees to gluttonize themselves on chocolate, knowing that once you overdo the eating to the point of sickness, you’d never eat chocolate again.
I’ve met both the Buddha following students who prefer to say “it is what it is – leave it alone” and the other groups who either “do it till they drop” or analyse themselves in order to process their “baggage” – in my observation, none work authentically.
All those paths are subject to delusions. The indulgent one seem happy but always fearful that their “source” of pleasure might get taken away by someone else, so they tend to be insecure around love. The “out of mind out of sight” group, are so vulnerable to the uncertainty of the future, they become controlling and obsessive. The processing group who are always following a philosophy, trying to fit their real nature down the barrel of some prescribed “goodness’ are always nice people sitting on a powder keg of defensiveness and anger.
Now remembering that 90% of all war, addictions, pain, anger, expectations and human suffering belong to this lower mind, it is any wonder that there has been huge religious, spiritual, psychological and experiential energy poured into it. If we could solve this one mighty glitch in the human matrix of life, we’d make a massive transformation in global and personal dynamics.
If we could master this lower mind and all the complexity of its attachments, it’s psychological profile, its subconscious links between what we want and what we are holding onto, we’d solve 90% of the “world’s problems” – especially in domestic relationships.
Addictions come from this lower mind. In relationship, people become “addicted” to their lover, rather than in love. Remembering that love has no attachment, so, we can’t say “my pain in letting you go is because I love you so much” That’s a lie.
Here’s a few thoughts that might help provoke insight if you are one person who finds it hard to let go:
1. Love and attachment are two different things. If you love someone or something, you know you don’t own it. The greatest love in fact, is letting go. To be detached is to love. Many people are socially conditioned to “take responsibility” for other people, including their children as a form of what they call their “love” – but this is just lower minded ego attachments playing thought the subconscious. In other words “bull sh..”
2. You only want what you haven’t got. So, attachment means that this person you are attached to has something you need or want. But you have everything, you are everything, so it’s just that you think their “bundle” is better than your “bundle” – that’s a lie, a self corruption.
3. They are “the one” – this is a really romantic notion, sold a lot of movies too. But they are not “the one” You might think they are “the one” but that’s because you have such a low opinion of yourself, and such a high opinion of them. Eventually, after a few years in relationship with them you’ll see that this idea is wrong. They are human. Dual. Two sided. The only real way to resolve this dilemma is to list all the things you like about them, and become it.
4. Resistance; to change. We love change, as long as nothing changes. We change our undies or sox, we change our hairdresser. But changing our beliefs – now that’s another story. We change our country, our job, our house, even change our hair colour as long as our beliefs don’t change, we seem to be ok. So, sometimes what holds us stuck in attachment is not love, more, it is not wanting to change. We’re stuck with something we don’t like, and given the chance we’d change them too, as long as we don’t have to change our beliefs. Now that’s not right is it?
5. Projection; There’s always a deeper meaning. We hang on to the current reality primarily because we are getting something that is hidden from view. Something that we haven’t been able to identify with. So we might be attached but can’t explain it because it’s deeper than logic. Sometimes we use words like “there’s just a special something, or, we are just so perfect together” this is really masking. Underneath the attachment to another person lies a shark with big teeth lurking in the shadows of the deep. So, really, we are not happy with them but we are not happy without them. Revealing that there’s something else going on. That’s where I help people.
6. Association; For Self importance; sometimes being with someone who is beautiful, clever, famous, attractive, smart, wealthy rubs off and makes us feel important too. Especially when we feel a bit small in the world during uncertain times. When our tail isn’t up, and we’re feeling frail or not as important as we’d like to be, we associate. That means suck the life blood out of someone else in order to sustain ourselves. This association, in my experience, accounts for over half of all the “addictions” to past relationships.
7. Circumstances; The real issue with addiction is the cost of it which I believe to be more to do with your circumstances than anything else. Lets say a woman meets a man and she becomes infatuated (addicted) to him. They break up and we monitor her journey through the drama. If she has money in the bank, confidence in the future, a good solid home, a health program for her fitness and some sort of personal spiritual practice she will still experience the pain, no escaping that, but for how long and what would her reaction be to the break-up? This is what changes with circumstance.
8. Now, take the same woman and empty her bank account, reduce her confidence in the future, an unstable home, no fitness program and a materialized form of spiritual practice like alcohol or food, in other words no solidarity for her spirit, we would see her experience the break up totally differently. She’d certainly be “more attached” to her lover. She’d say “but he’s the perfect one”
9. Power; In every consultation regarding a relationship break up, there’s the dumpee and the dumper. The dumpee is always in the most pain because they lost their power. Of course, according to the Laws of Nature, the dumpee, (the one who got dumped) is usually the cause of the dumping. (nobody does to us more than we do to ourselves) – so actually the dumpee usually sabotaged the relationship because they wanted out. However, no matter who caused the dumping, the one with the least power in the matter of separation seems to feel that they have been made a victim. In that one experience of becoming the victim is more pain than most people can handle, so, people cling on to avoid that pain. They don’t really want the relationship, they just don’t want the pain.
Solutions to the Lower Mind Attachments in Relationship
Willpower. You’ll hear about all sorts of psycho therapeutic and spiritual mumbo jumbo that might or might not help you in love. But the one guaranteed way is discipline. It might not be the easy way. It might not be the most pleasant way. It might at times not be the most romantic and sexy way: but it is always the fastest and most accurate. Lower minded attachments in relationships are a problem, whether we are breaking up or getting into a relationship. Have the willpower to communicate with kindness – always. Have the willpower to know the difference between love and intimacy. Have the willpower to hold love but not get attached. Don’t blame others and respect their right to privacy. Have the willpower to know that all our fears, worries, reactions and uncertainties, come from us, our partner is just the mirror.
Authenticity: You have to become what you love in them. Take what you are attracted to in their personality and become it. Learn the art of integration. If they are creative, express your creative. If they are strong, experience your strength. Nothing is missing, it just changes in form.
Power: Empower yourself. Be the cause of the break up, no matter how it looks. Know that no body does anything to you that you are not doing to yourself. So, if they left, you left first, emotionally at least. Or if they left you – then you abandoned them first (emotionally at least)
Discern: Learn the difference between love and attachment. Learn that love is detached. Love releases people. Imagine that each person you know has a garden surrounding them as they walk, it moves with them. You can’t see it, but they can. You step on a weed but it could be a flower. So, to discern between love and attachment stay outside this fence don’t think you have the right to stomp in people’s garden. That’s not love.
Transference: One lady was very attached to her ex partner. I first taught her how to love a man she didn’t like. That was an important skill. Then I taught her to become whatever she admired in him. She did this and felt great. Then I asked her to determine the real cause of the breakup and why she manifested it. Last I asked her to witness how she had already, or was in the process of transferring all her affections and relationship needs to others. She invented some new ones like playing the piano and going for a jog but eventually she found nothing was missing, as long as her love for her ex was separated from her needs from him.
Higher mind – Conclusion
Living with higher consciousness means moving all of life’s experiences from emotional attachment or detachment, to love. Unconditional love is unique because there is no need, no holding, only love. In this space, you don’t need to have opinions about your partner, ex partner, just love.
DON’T LEAVE EM, TILL YA LOVE’M.