I wish I had the email address of every man that is involved with a woman that misunderstands him. I would email this article to him and tell him to pin it up in a strategic place so the woman in his life would be forced to read it regularly. Hopefully, after being subjected to reading this laminated article in the shower multiple times, she would begin to realize that her man isn’t as boorish as she thinks.
Unfortunately, there is a HUGE understanding-gap between men and women. Without mutual effort, this gap will widen into an impassable chasm. I applaud ANY woman that will take the time to read and react to this article. It means that she is astute enough to realize that she has a lot to learn about the male species, and concerned enough to study.
I’m writing on this topic because I’m passionate about it. I know how it feels to make your best attempt at living honestly, only to have it met with a level of suspicion and skepticism. Eventually, despondency sets in and thwarts any effort to reveal the genuine and authentic you. Please comment on this article. Your feedback could buttress the validity of these points and help an ailing relationship. Thank you!
1. I Need Your Support
Cheerleaders are a quintessential part of any sporting experience. Without the choreographed gyrations of the lovely ladies on the sidelines, watching a live game would be incomplete. Most casual fans don’t realize that cheerleaders actually serve two purposes. Not only do they provide entertainment and eye candy for the crowd, but they also supply moral support to the team. This is critical particularly when the team is playing an away game and they’re facing a hostile crowd. Unfortunately, there are a large number of men that feel like every day they wake up is an away game. Their hostile crowd is made up of bosses, baby mammas, and if they’re black…the majority of society. Home should be their end zone and not simply an extension of the opposing team’s territory. A winning environment for a man MUST include a willing cheerleader that chants when he scores a touchdown and chants louder when he fumbles. Men long to know that when they look to the sidelines, they’ll see a rooting section, even if that rooting section consists of only one remarkable woman.
2. I Don’t Talk Like You Do
The next time you read a newspaper, examine the difference between the headlines and fine print. You’ll quickly discover that headlines are big, bold, and concise while the fine print is smaller, more detailed and extensive. The headlines and fine print in a newspaper offer a great example of how most men and women communicate. Men communicate in headlines, while women communicate in fine print. Men will say: MY DAY WAS GOOD, THE DINNER WAS DELICIOUS, YOUR DRESS IS NICE. Women will go into great detail about the intricacies of the day, dinner, and dress. Neither the man nor the woman is communicating incorrectly, they’re just communicating differently. The argument erupts when the woman interprets the man’s lack of elaboration as a sign that he’s uninterested in her day, dinner, or dress. This scenario is tragic yet common and it causes men to shut down in exasperation. Noted neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine is an expert on the male and female brain (I will refer to her research again in this article). In her book The Female Brain she cited that women speak 250 words per minute versus the 125 words a minute that are typical for men. She also stated that a woman uses 20,000 words per day, while a man uses only 7,000. This should pretty much sum it up! A woman needs to understand that if she forces her man to communicate like she does, though he may acquiesce, he’ll loathe every conversation they have and look for ways to avoid them.
3. I’m NOT A Sexual Deviant
I am going to disclose a secret about most men that will shock most women. Ready? MEN ARE PREOCCUPIED WITH SEX! Ladies, are you shocked? Hopefully, every woman reading this article is chuckling at the sheer obviousness of that revelation. Women know that men are fixated with sex, but they don’t know to what extent. In studying the male brain, Dr. Louann Brizendine discovered that most men think about sex every 52 seconds! Did you get that? Not even a full minute goes by before men are delving into sexually-charged thinking. Men are forced to subdue this shocking reality because if most women knew how often men contemplated intercourse, they would think all men are perverted sex-addicts. The difference of hormonal influence between men and women has the potential to breed big problems in a relationship. Men tend to view sex as an existential need while women tend to view it as a periodic treat. Women struggle to comprehend why men have such an insatiable appetite for sex and they often label male sexuality as abnormal. Ladies, IT’S NOT ABNORMAL! It’s not abnormal for a man to argue with you all day and attempt to be intimate at night. He can easily separate the emotional from the physical. It’s not abnormal for a man to think your offering of sex every-other-week is ridiculous. It is ridiculous! Rather than maligning your man for being sexually unhealthy, you should appreciate the fact that he’s trying to use his hardware while it’s still operable. Considering that 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer, there might come a day when the script is flipped and he’s the one turning you down.
4. I Say I Love You Differently
When a woman hears the words, ‘I love you,’ her heart skips a beat. She is automatically translated into a sugarplum and licorice world filled with gushy hearts and hyper-colored rainbows. She floats on cloud nine and never even considers the authenticity of the uttered words. Yes, some men use those meaningful words strategically. They know that in so many cases those words are the keys to unlocking female vulnerability. On the other end of the spectrum, there are men that NEVER say I love you. It’s not that they don’t feel the love; they just don’t effectively express it. Maybe they were raised in environments that exploited any signs of weakness. Maybe no one ever communicated love to them so they have a hard time communicating it to anyone else. In situations like these, women should focus on what a man does rather than what he says. Men communicate love in different ways. Fidelity is the loudest way that men say I love you. If you read point #3, you understand that men are constantly thinking about sex. Sometimes their thoughts lead them to find an outlet in illicit areas. The fact that your man has learned to ignore and/or suppress this urge for you is proof that he’s head over heels. A willingness to provide, lavishing of gifts, a commitment to change the things you hate about him, introducing you to his mother- these are all ways that men show love. Ultimately, women should view love as an action and not simply as an emotion. If he’s consistently proving his love for you, then saying he loves you should be unnecessary.
5. I Need Someone I Can Confide In
A tiny bead of perspiration trickled down Walter’s head. He had been dating Felicia for 11 months and as they sat on the phone, he felt prepared to bare his soul and share his deepest secrets. With hesitation, he told Felicia about the time he ended up in jail on a minor drug charge. He told her about the deep depression he slipped into after the murder of his closest friend. He even told her his deepest and most concealed skeleton; when he was 19 he contracted The Clap from a girlfriend. Felicia praised Walter for his candor and when they hung up, Walter actually felt relieved to get everything off of his chest. The next day Walter accompanied Felicia to a gathering at Felicia’s girlfriend’s house. Gabby and Felicia had been friends for eons so it was only natural for Walter to meet her. Upon their arrival, Gabby approached Walter with both arms extended, “Give me a hug,” she shouted, “I’ve heard so much about you and it’s so glad to finally meet you”. “It’s great to meet you too,” Walter responded warmly. “In honor of meeting you for the first time I actually got you a gift,” Gabby exclaimed anxiously. Gabby reached into her closet and pulled out a perfectly square, well-wrapped box. “Here you go,” she said. Walter was charmed by the gesture and he smiled girlishly as he meticulously removed the gift wrap. Gabby looked in anticipation and after all of the wrapping was removed Walter starred at the gift in stunned silence. Gabby bought Walter The Clapper, the old school clap on – clap off Clapper. The box even had a note attached to it that read: Felicia tells me everything. Hope you’re not mad but I’m a jokester. Walter stormed out the house in disgust and drove off leaving Felicia without a ride home. He considered Felicia’s loose lips an unforgivable violation. It took him everything to open up to her and she trounced on his transparency. “The next girlfriend I get will be mute,” Walter said to himself as he drove away.
6. The Thing That I’m MOST Afraid of is Failure
When two guys meet, they normally engage in casual banter for only moments until they ask the size-up question- What do you do for a living? This loaded question is designed to covertly establish male dominance among the conversing men. Like a guerilla beating his chest in the jungle, the man with the more prestigious career feels validated when he discovers that he’s the higher income-earner. Sadly, the other man quietly feels inferior and unaccomplished. Although most men would publicly deny this scenario, we all secretly know it’s true. Nothing hurts worse than when a man examines the totality of his life and realizes that he’s grossly underachieved. For men, feeling like a failure is a worse sentence than death. Unfortunately ladies, there are times when you contribute to this feeling. How do you make your man feel like a failure? If any of the following statements sound familiar to you, then you’d better be careful and learn how to approach your man more productively:
• “Why can’t you spend more time with the kids?”
• “Are you ever going to come home on time?”
• “Were you born this way or did you develop into being such a jerk?”
• “Why can’t you simply understand what I’m trying to say to you?”
Are you getting the picture of what not to say? The simple truth is that if you come at your man with questions that are more like accusations, then you might be leading him to feel that he’s a failure. Most men will withdrawal from you and end the relationship if you constantly highlight the problems without also offering solutions. Ultimately, a man needs to feel like he’s winning more than he’s losing in order to avoid the failure-zone.
7. “P” Is The Most Comforting Thing In The World
I’m sure you’re wondering what the letter “P” stands for. I promise I will explain after this anecdote. Do you remember what it was like when you learned how to drive? Depending on who taught you, your experience was either highly instructional or highly stressful. A good driver’s training teacher knows that they need to watchfully guide their pupil and avoid yelling profusely when he/she makes a mistake. The bad instructor anxiously looms over their pupil and berates them when they make a false move. The difference between the two instructors boils down to one word…PATIENCE! The good instructor has the patience to gently correct their protégé’s foibles while the bad instructor creates an environment that is not conducive to successful learning and development. The highway of life is replete with potholes and filled with detours at every turn. The ability to carefully maneuver through each pitfall is a skillset that men are honing on a daily basis. Sometimes, men make wrong turns and display the fact that they’ve still got a lot to work on. As the compassionate instructor, your job is to show patience while we blossom into effective road warriors. Give us time to drop the habits. Give us time to develop new ways of thinking. Give us time to evolve into the kings that we know we are. Your patience makes our transition easier and more enjoyable.
8. Your Friends Drive Me Crazy
Quantaneka, LaTremanisha, and all of your other girlfriends with four to five-syllables in their name need to go! Of course I’m only kidding but your man might secretly feel this way. If you are in a committed relationship yet most of your girlfriends are single, chances are your man does feel this way. Because your friends are not with anyone and probably lonely, they attach themselves to you like a leech and presumptuously try to include themselves in all of your affairs. When you get into a spat with your man, it’s your single girlfriend that says, “Girl, if I was you I would leave him alone. That’s why I’m single now.” Actually, if she read my article The Top 10 Reasons Black Women Stay Single, she would discover the real reason why she’s doesn’t have a man. Let me list the things that your girlfriends do that drive men up the wall:
• Engages in open conversations with you about other men in front of your man’s face
• Ask to go on a double-date with you and forces your man to spend hours with some guy he doesn’t even know
• Contradicts everything your man says and tells you to ignore all of it
• Tries to offer relationship advice to you even though she’s been single for ages
Honestly, I could go on for days. A man can respect his woman’s friends if they respect him, but the moment she crosses the line he takes a defensive posture and retreats into battle mode. It’s hard to have a peaceful relationship when your man and your friend are more like Martin and Pam than they are like Gina and Tommy.
9. The Secret Behind “Guy Friends”
I have been waiting the entire article to reach this point so excuse me while I go in! In point #8 I talked about trifling girlfriends. Now, I will shift gears and tell you how men really feel about their girlfriend’s so-called “guy friends”. The 21st Century woman is not afraid to admit that she has more “guy friends” than girlfriends. She explains that she gravitates more to men as friends because they offer a lot less drama. Although there is some validity to this claim, they are naïve if they think the men that they befriend do not have ulterior motives. It’s the oldest trick in the book that nearly every guy has played. Meet a woman, and if she’s not interested romantically just stick around as a “friend”. Over time, she will see how caring and attentive the guy is. She will confide in him when she goes through relationship issues. She will tell him her deepest secrets and eventually, she’ll become putty in his hands. While the woman is totally oblivious, like a cheetah stalking its prey, her “guy friend” moves in for the kill. Men are acutely aware of this façade so they distrust another man that tries to play the “friend” role. Men know that all he’s waiting for is an opportunity. Unfortunately, women are quick to label men as insecure, possessive and/or overbearing when they voice their concern about the friendship. Actually, a man can have total and complete trust in his woman and still disapprove of the friendship because he knows that the “guy friend” is an opportunistic charlatan. Frustrations are aroused even more when the man feels like the woman is naively denying this reality. In this homie-lover-friend age of unattached intimacy, conniving men are all too willing to pose as the confidant while plotting as the con-artist. Ladies, trust your man’s instincts and know that in the constant chess match called dating, game recognizes game.
10. There’s A Reason Why I Act Differently Around The Fellas
Male bravado is a powerful thing. When men get together there is palpable electricity that enlivens any room. This fact was clearly evident when the church I previously worked for held a Super bowl party. In previous years, the church excluded women from attending the annual party. It was a men-only event that drew hundreds of guys out of their house and into the church fellowship hall. This particular year, the church decided to make the party co-ed. They issued an announcement inviting women hoping that their inclusive olive branch would draw more people. Unfortunately, that year’s party was a horrible failure. Men refused to go because they felt betrayed. For most of them, the Super bowl party was the one day in the year that they could hoot and holler without being called juvenile. It was their only annual opportunity to embellish on their high school football stories without being called ostentatious. It was their day and the church took it from them. Women often complain that when men get around their friends they become cocky and aloof. Actually, I would add another word to that description- relaxed. When a man is hanging out with his friends, it’s his opportunity to be genuinely and unashamedly male. There is no better example of black male camaraderie than in Greek fraternities. They stand as a shining example that when black men are on one accord, they have no problem stepping in harmony.
Well, there they are! All 10 things that black men want black women to know. Did I miss anything? Brothers, feel free to leave me a comment and let me know if I omitted something important. Hopefully, this article will enlighten women and embolden men. Until next time, LIVE & LOVE LIFE!